north to the future...
episode 104 brings us to anchorage alaska! this is my second visit up north, and anchorage is definitely growing on me. :) tonight finds me in a hopeful (and chatty) frame of mind. which is overall a good thing, i think. i'm always a bit astonished at how thought processes and feelings move and shift and evolve with time - how our perception of possibility is affected by the people we meet, the randomness of accidents (good and bad), our experiences. can't say i really understand any of it. i don't. and sometimes i see how not understanding can be beautiful. and how - even when it's not - it's still important to be honest about. don't know if that makes sense? it's a fine line, i guess. cuz "not understanding" can easily devolve into negligence, apathy, misunderstanding, bitterness. i know. i've been there too. i'm definitely not trying to glorify ignorance with any of this, or put a happy bow on the shitty things that life sometimes forces us toward. but. letting go of (or just loosening our grip on) the need to hammer everything into define-able black and white answers feels important. 'least to me.
i want this to be different too. i wanna see the real thing. i wanna tell the truth. and i'm stuck here with this. the feeling, the loss, the wanting to connect and be more. and it's good and bad and both and neither - all at the same time. somehow. so, i guess most of where i'm at tonight comes from that place in myself. i don't wanna have answers just to have answers. cuz i know (for me) answers are sometimes just place holders for "i'm scared as hell." and, when that's the case, i think it's ok to say so. important, in fact.
so, i don't know. within and around and beyond all that - the feeling of it is quite amazing at times, y'know? can be. the letting go. the it-being-ok of it. it's a relief not to have to pretend like i know stuff i don't know - to just say "i'm confused, torn in different directions, lost, trying to make things better, making constant mistakes..." sometimes that's the place we need to be. or the place we just are. either way, sometimes that's the right thing. it's taken me a while to come to peace with that. and i'm still not there all the way... but i do see the beauty of being here. now. even though it's scary and lonely a lot of the time. it's still good. and i'm thankful for it.
i guess some of it's connected to the whole "bitter/sweet" thing in the movie vanilla sky. maybe that's all i'm saying? texture and time and pacing are neeeded. ups and downs make sense. good and bad are both. i think so.
hope everybody's having a great week.
russell
ps - some pics!
anchorage has coffee
and rainbows
and glaciers
i want this to be different too. i wanna see the real thing. i wanna tell the truth. and i'm stuck here with this. the feeling, the loss, the wanting to connect and be more. and it's good and bad and both and neither - all at the same time. somehow. so, i guess most of where i'm at tonight comes from that place in myself. i don't wanna have answers just to have answers. cuz i know (for me) answers are sometimes just place holders for "i'm scared as hell." and, when that's the case, i think it's ok to say so. important, in fact.
so, i don't know. within and around and beyond all that - the feeling of it is quite amazing at times, y'know? can be. the letting go. the it-being-ok of it. it's a relief not to have to pretend like i know stuff i don't know - to just say "i'm confused, torn in different directions, lost, trying to make things better, making constant mistakes..." sometimes that's the place we need to be. or the place we just are. either way, sometimes that's the right thing. it's taken me a while to come to peace with that. and i'm still not there all the way... but i do see the beauty of being here. now. even though it's scary and lonely a lot of the time. it's still good. and i'm thankful for it.
i guess some of it's connected to the whole "bitter/sweet" thing in the movie vanilla sky. maybe that's all i'm saying? texture and time and pacing are neeeded. ups and downs make sense. good and bad are both. i think so.
hope everybody's having a great week.
russell
ps - some pics!
anchorage has coffee
and rainbows
and glaciers